It is becoming quite typical for clients taking part in psychotherapy to claim their therapist to turn them into independent humans by eliminating needing anyone else. It seems there is shame in feeling dependence on other humans as if this independence were a sort of victory in the sovereignty and conquer of oneself.
Let's talk about this. Because, to be clear, we, humans, are the most dependent beings on earth, and that is a fact. We are emotionally dependent. Don't to scare yet. Let me explain.
As you should know, despite being so many other intelligent creatures in the animal kingdom as dependent on their parents as humans, the latter is farther more vulnerable because humans not only depend on their parents to be fed and protected but also humans require emotional content and support. Humans are helpless in front of nature in multiples manners, environmentally, physically, emotionally and psychologically. No other animal on earth needs so much the lovely look, warmth, interpretation, understanding, touch and voice from their caregivers than us. Those who fill our stomachs know what we need, translate what we say, and tell us who we are. This first contact with our caretakers confirms the fact that we can rely on them to survive, and that's ok because they love us, and we love them. At this point, it would be good for you to look at the Attachment theory developed by Bowlby (1962). He describes three kinds of attunements depending on our primary and most deep relationship: Anxious, Avoidant or Secure Attachment.
As infants grow, they learn to count on others, learn from them, copy them, enjoy with them, and do many other things that humans love doing with other humans. A simple demonstration that one does not learn or grow alone. Of course, once the tiny seed becomes an adult, the new grown-up must deal with this world independently. Navigate the exciting and terrifying jump from the comfortable parents' nest to the cruel outside world, with the confidence and belief that they will find ways to guarantee a fulfilling life for themselves as adults among other adults.
Therefore, there is no way that we can live without others. I often heard clients saying, 'I do not need anyone', Sure, so they go and get away from others by reading a book, written by a person, on the TV where other people speak, on music, played by somebody else. And that feeling of being constantly caught by others' attention, reply, voice or approbation is what makes us feel fragile, and fragility makes us feel fear and maybe anger. And it is even more complicated for those cases when one doesn't know whom to trust really (Anxious Attachment), but the inner self begs for somebody else to be there. So tricky. Isn't it?. So confusing.
Indeed, the need for others is a vulnerability because it makes you emotionally needy creatures, always expecting someone's presence. But, let's be smart. Once you embrace this vulnerability, you can transform it into a skill because those who need others also know to trust others, count on them, lean on their help. And that is a powerful tool.
The truth is, we never really get complete independence. As I always say to my clients, we need a balance, and balancing means movement, process, being aware of the two sides. We learn to depend on others, and we become masters on relying on ourselves too = independence. And there, you find the balance (Secure Attachment). Balance= mental health= happiness.
The route to achieving the wished independence is found by being able to need others as we need ourselves. By worthing others' opinion as we value ourselves opinion and being able to make a decision- with others' help or not- you can learn how to be you: An emotional/social dependent being with an independent voice.
On the other hand, there happens to be another extreme position. The one that can't trust or depend on anybody (Avoidant Attachment). Those extremely independent but not by choice, by destiny. Because for this position, it's safer to stay away and count only on themselves. The clients who belong to this group, on the contrary, come asking for help to trust people. For those, there will be another chapter...
Still, there are professionals happy to help.
Evelyn- Psychoterapist.
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